An American died and left $10,000 each to an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, on condition that each put $100 in his coffin. The Englishman dropped in his $100 and the Irishman put in his $100. Then along came the Scotsman, who put in the coffin a check for $300 and took out the $200.
Dandy: "The wool for this suit I'm wearing was grown in Australia. The cloth was woven in France. The threat came from Italy. The suit was made in England and I bought it in San Francisco."
Companion: "So what? I didn't see anything so remarkable in that."
Dandy: "But isn't it wonderful that so many people can make a living out of something I haven't paid for yet?"
A woman was filling out an accident report. She had dented the fender of a parked car while trying to park her own car. One question on the report was, "What could the operator of the other vehicle have done to avoid the accident?"
She wrote, "He could have parked somewhere else."
A mother who was doing her best to teach her children to be polite when they answered the telephone overheard her 8-year-old daughter answering a call. "I'm sorry, sir," said the little girl, "but you must have the wrong number. Would you like to leave a message?"
Man (on the phone): "Come over right away, doctor. My wife has appendicitis!" Doctor: "Nonsense. I took out your wife's appendix six years ago, and I never heard of anyone having appendicitis a second time." Man: "Did you ever hear of anyone having a second wife?"
In the middle of a blinding blizzard, the doctor received a phone call from a man whose wife needed medical attention. "I'd be glad to come," said the doctor, "but my car is in the garage for repairs, and I have no car. You'll have to come for me." "What!" exploded the caller, "in this weather?"
The fortuneteller took the two pounds from the visitor and said, "For two pounds you can ask two questions!" "Isn't two pounds a bit expensive? asked the visitor. "No, I have two daughters and three cats to support," replied the fortuneteller. "What's your second question?"
"I'll bet you a dollar I know the score of today's game before it starts," said one fan to the other as they entered the stadium. "You're on!" replied his companion. "What is it?" "Nothing to nothing," grinned the first, holding out his hand.
"Time sure changes things," said the airline passenger to his companion. "When I was a boy I used to sit in a flat-bottomed rowboat in that lake down there below us and fish. Every time a plan flew over I'd look up and wish I were in it. Now I look down and wish I were fishing."